Life Inside The Symbiote

I found these 10 questions that I, like the title, really feel like I should know about myself. So I’m going to work on understanding myself through these questions. Maybe answering these questions will allow me to do more of this understanding on my own. 

What motivates you?

This took a lot of thought and discussion but I feel like I finally understand. My mother always motivated me by telling me that if I didn’t work hard for the things I wanted in life, then like her I would be stuck in a job that I can’t stand. So, as far as work goes my mother’s words always stuck to me. In life however, I’ve been motivated by both myself and my sisters. I have been wanting to live my life and enjoy as much of it as I can so that when I’m 80 and on my way to heaven (hopefully), I can say that I have enjoyed my life, the people in my life, and the experiences I had. Plus, I’ve always wanted to experience the goods and bads of life so that I could help steer my sisters away from some of these things. Of all the people in my family I feel like my sisters will listen to me due to the way that I speak to them. I honestly feel like my sisters can do things that I could never do. So if they can avoid just one major mistake that I made, I will have done a good job.

But lately, I have been motivated by not failing. My grades were at at a point where I ended up on probation. So I spent all last year working to not be kicked out of school. And though I got off of probation, I feel like I forgot why I was up here in the first place. And as far as life goes, before I was living for myself and my sisters. But lately I have been scared to live like I used to because that’s how I got on probation in the first place. I haven’t been focused on my personal life, on my girlfriend, I’ve just been focused on my school work. I need to work harder on my personal life as well as my schoolwork. So my motivation for this year is to just take it one day at a time and work to be well-rounded.

If you saw my “Trapped Within My Own Faults” posts, just know that even though I was venting, I still feel like that to some extent. I’m not a complete failure. That I know. I have made it through two years at a PWI, doing my best to find a job so that I can earn my own money, trying to get my car situation fixed, and am on the road to recovery in terms of fixing my relationships with family, friends, and my girlfriend. I’m even working to understand both myself and Christianity so that I can become a better Christian. 

Though I already knew I made mistakes in the past, one thing I learned is that many of the errors I make are easily avoidable. But one thing I need to learn to accept that I have made mistakes and learn to avoid those errors in the future. For example, I know I need to work harder in school, but I also know I need to learn how to multitask better and how to split my time up more efficiently. 

As far as other people go, I need to accept that people are different and that we won’t believe or enjoy the same things. That goes for acquaintances and people I meet for the first time, as well as my family, friends, and girlfriend. I have this habit of not being able to understand things I don’t believe in or dismissing things I don’t know about. I feel like alot of times I don’t ask people about their days or how they are doing because in the back of my head I don’t really care too much about your day. I know that makes me selfish but I really want to change that. I want to know why some people can be so into what other people did that day. I mean if my mom, sisters, girlfriend, or some friends told me about their day, I’d listen because it would interest me. But just some person I happen to see around campus or wherever I’m at, I probably wouldn’t care as much. 

Point is…I have things I need to work on but at the moment I’m just working to know what those things are. 

I feel like I am incapable of sustaining a close relationship with anyone. From my family, to my friends, to my girlfriend. It’s like as soon as we are getting too close I panic and hide away. Since I’ve been home I’ve spent 95% of my time alone in my room with no contact from those outside of my home. I barely even speak to my own family, like my mom feels like I’m a zombie up here or something. Now, when it comes to my family I’m the only son/grandson so I can’t really be replaced. But my friends can always find new friends, and the idea of that is awful because when I need to talk to somebody there will nobody around. And my girlfriend can easily go and find somebody else, or just stay to herself and be wonderfully independent. That would hurt too because she would be yet another important person in my life that I let walk away because of my faults and feelings. I don’t understand them, I don’t understand anything right now. I’m just going to continue to lay in this bed because for some reason being around others makes me uncomfortable. 

Everyone seems to see their flaws and faults as beautiful things that make them who they are. Not I. I see my flaws for what they truly are, flaws. And either they are holding me back from being the best me I can be, or this is simply the best that I can be and my expectations are too high. Either way I feel like I’m trapped. I do all this dumb shit subconciously. I don’t purposely say “man fuck my girl I ain’t callin her” I just don’t. I don’t purposely go “I don’t want to be close to anybody and I don’t want to keep up any my friendships”, I just do. I don’t purposely go and push everyone away, I just do. I don’t purposely just go to class and school and put in a lackluster effort, I just do. And all the advice I get just makes me feel like I’m crazy, because I always get that I need to just “do the opposite”. As easy as that may be for others, I feel like one of my flaws is also not being able to understand how to solve my other flaws. That by itself just makes me feel like this is the best that I can be and that I’ve been setting the standard for myself too high. If that’s the case, I might as well accept that by the end of my life I’m gonna end up alone, sad, unfulfilled, and eventually insane. My girl might as well mark me down as a lost cause and go find somebody who will actually act like “the best boyfriend ever” or at least close to it. I might as well delete every number in phone that isn’t close family, cause I don’t send/receive shit. I might as well just stay in this house, and play my ps3 until I’m too old to see what the hell is on my tv. Cause right now I feel powerless to stop the things that are holding me back. I want to enjoy the beauty of having close friends who have my back like I have theirs. I want to be the best son/brother/nephew/uncle to my family. I want to have my girl be with me and feel like she is the luckiest person ever because she got an amazing guy. But I’m none of those things. I’m just Brandon, the guy who does the bare minimum in everything, but wishes for the maximum. Shit, according to my AP lit teacher from HS, I’m already insane. All I know is I need sleep.